Break Time

Today I take a little break from any serious consideration of my mental,physical or spiritual state. I am thinking about the lighter part of my heart attack/by-pass debacle.

On the second day after surgery there I am lying in bed, unshaven, no bath in about four days, tubes in places I couldn't even see and I was pooped.

My dear wife Susan had gone to fetch herself something to eat, no nurses to attend to my needs, when I hear a gentle knock on my hospital door. I squeak out the words, "come in" and in walks one of the most beautiful girls in our high school graduation class of 1969. There she stood gorgeous as ever, slender as ever and as kind-hearted as ever. And I cannot, thanks to morphine, recall a word that was spoken between us. All I thought about while she stood there was that I must look terrible. Why couldn't she see me at my best--giving a lecture to 500 people, being a legend in my own mind, funny and full of life? Oh no. I had to be on the bed looking like death warmed over. Even heart-attack survivors have their vanity.

But I'm so glad she came, touched really that she came as did others with such tenderness in their eyes, beauty in their wrinkled but kind faces. I will never remember her words but will always treasure the gift of her presence.

Question: What moment were you seen at your worst and still felt loved?

Expectations

Expectations are yet to be realized resentments. To ask for something--anything from another is one of the most courageous act we can perform. To let that act be linked to an expectation that they will do what you want, give you what you ask for is often the fastest way to feeling frustrated.

I found this out again first with the cardiologist in the emergency room 11 weeks ago and then again with my surgeon who performed the life-saving and life-changing by-pass surgery. I expected to be treated a certain way, spoken to a little more tenderly and cared for a bit more compassionately. None of which happened.

How much faster would I have healed if I could have attained the Nirvana like state, experienced Bliss or participated in the Grace of letting go of expectations? You got me?

Question: What expectations do you have of others that almost never are met?

More Than 5 lbs.

I was told after my surgery not to pick up anything that weighed more than five pounds for the first eight to ten weeks. What I found out is that everything weighs more than five pounds--my laptop, garbage can, even my big black cat who kept getting in my recliner every time I got up is 16 pounds. I tried begging her to get off. I offered to pay her in catnip, she wouldn't do it. She looked at me like, "Do I look like a dog to you?"

You may be getting tired of this word "empathy" by now but when I had to ask small women at Wal-Mart to pick up boxes of cat litter for the same cat who could care less that she was in my seat, well let's just say I felt another wave of compassion for the elderly roll through my freshly cleaned out arteries.

Would your cat willingly give up its seat for you after surgery?

To Be There or Not To Be There

During my period of recovery from my by-pass surgery I saw something that shocked me, disturbed me and enlightened me a little about being there and not being there for friends and family.

There were people I had known for two or more decades that I thought would have gotten in a car or a plane without hesitation--to come to our home in Mentone and cook meals, hold my hand and soothe my soul--that didn't come. Some didn't even call or email. Then there were people that I'd known maybe less than a year or three who not only called, they came, they cooked, and they touched my soul deeply.

During this time my own behavior or lack of was mirrored back to me. I thought about all the people that had serious operations, major losses and transitions and I had not been there for them. These friends of over 2 to 4 decades, family members I'd loved and who loved me had to negotiate these pains and problems while I was "too" busy being on the road and available for people I barely knew. After all it was my job, what I did, but I wish now with all my heart that I had been more balanced in my being there and not being there.

How are you doing with regards to being there for those who really matter?

Empathy

I define "empathy" this way: "I understand some of what you are going through because I've been through similar experiences myself."

On the 4th week after my quadruple by-pass, that I still can't believe I had, I very tentatively ventured out to get a haircut. The barber is about a ten minute drive from my our house. It was the first time I had driven in a little over a month. I was terrified. What if I had a wreck and the air bag popped out and hit my chest? What if I had a flat tire? What if some young thing ran me off the road? Then it hit me, this must be what the really elderly must feel every time they drive to Wal-Mart or to their pharmacy or wherever they have to go at the same speed I was traveling at--super slow.

That one short drive changed me. It opened my fragile heart just a little more. I went from being the person who was always impatient with the old person slowing down the rest of humanity (that is putting it mildly)and became a man who will never blow his horn (or at least will try really hard not to) at one of seniors again. I can empathize finally.

What has increased your ability to be more empathetic than you used to be?