My thoracic cavity was cracked open by a man I didn’t know. He put his hands in my chest while my heart continued beating with the help of a machine.
That changed me.
How? I’m only now beginning to find out.
Some people say I am more emotionally available. As one woman friend said, “When I saw you I didn’t recognize you.” I did lose some weight, but she went on to say “you seem more approachable.” Perhaps I lost some heaviness of spirit, some urgency to produce, some self-importance or seriousness. In the process I went from feeling strong and almost invincible to anything so mundane as a heart attack (after all they only happen to unhealthy, smoking, hard drinking, stressed out and overweight people or so I thought 6 months ago) to feeling fragile, highly breakable, extremely vulnerable and tentative about so much I would have formerly dove head first into.
Which way of being do I like best? I’d be lying if I said feeling fragile and vulnerable is a comfortable state, but do I want to go back?
I wouldn’t even if I could.
I just need to get used to not being recognized (in more ways than one) and become more familiar with this place where a simple thing like holding my wife’s hand while watching television is an ecstasy producing experience and a walk in the park with my two Giant Malamutes is as magical as it gets. It may take awhile but hopefully I now have a little time that I wouldn’t have had if that man hadn’t taken my heart out for a spin.
What has taken your heart and turned it around?
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Being a mother.
ReplyDeleteIt put my rudder in the water and the wind in my sails. I won't say my life was purposeless before but it lacked a greater intention and meaning. At last, I loved someone more than myself and it made all the difference.
Lindsey
God I bet you are a great mother. If I've said it once let me say it again and again.
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